Many, many posts ago, I told you about “Who Makes Up Rubio” to let you in on a bit of my personal life. Within it, I covered just my immediate family. I have decided there are simply way too many characters I know to stop at just my nuclear family and will now present to you, my Uncle Joe and Uncle Jim. They are not only related to me, but, without a doubt, two of the best men in the world. Let the games begin….
 |
| Macaw and Uncle Joe…they just won the lottery and are showing their emotions. |
Uncle Joe – My grandmother, Macaw’s, younger brother. Please note: younger than Macaw means sub 95. He lives in a very blue collar suburb just outside of Pittsburgh, PA called McKee’s Rocks. He actually lives in the same house he was born and raised in and his father built. This home is also where his father passed away and he has no problem embracing and showing you exact spot. Since he is Italian, he absolutely loves death and treats every one (someone dying) like a party. I am pretty confident he and Macaw trade the little “death” cards you receive at funerals in lieu of money. Not kidding.
One time, Sailer and I went out there for a camp and we had dinner at my Uncle Joe’s house. Here is how the night went…
- Upon arrival, we are given full tour of home. Tour includes, but is not limited to, showing exact room and location where my great grandfather tapped out. Key part was when he went into detail about final moments.
- As the tour continues, Uncle Joe points out a framed photo of the Pope signed “To Joe….You’re the best! Love, Pope John Paul II” I am not kidding. Seriously, I am not kidding. I even called him out on this one and said there is no way the Pope would sign a picture like that and it was fake. He told me to shut up. I embraced. (Side note: pretty sure the Sharpie was written on the glass instead of on the photo under the glass)
- In the basement of the home, I am pretty sure there was a body, but I cannot confirm nor deny.
- Another guy was with Sailer and I during the tour (friend of ours) and he has ears that stick out a tad. My Uncle Joe proceeds to ask him, to his face, why he looks like a cab with the doors open. Amazing. He wasn’t joking or trying to be mean….he really wanted to know. Nothing better than an old Italian that just lets it rain.
- After the tour (lasted over an an hour even though house is about 1,000 sq ft….not 10,000 sg ft, just 1,000) is when we began to eat. There was approximately five people in the house for dinner and I would bet there was easily enough food for thirty people. Not kidding. Two to three pizzas, pounds of pasta, gallons of sauce, cookies, cakes, pies, etc. It was amazing. They (all the Italians) FULLY embraced Sailer because every….single…time they asked him if he wanted something, he would reply with Yes! No matter what they offered, he took it and ate it. It was amazing. Sailer ate like he was going to the electric chair and they loved him for it. It was a true mini United Nations since they are beyond Italian and Sailer is beyond German. I ate, watched, laughed, ate, watched, ate and laughed. It was an incredible spectacle.
 |
| Yours truly and Uncle Jim at his barber shop. I was given a discount. |
Uncle Jim – The youngest of Macaw’s siblings (16 total kids…yet again, not kidding) and looks almost identical to her but with just shorter hair and hasn’t spent time in prison for beating people with a cane:). He also lives in McKee’s Rocks, PA and is all about his family. Uncle Jim has owned his own barber shop for over 50 years and it hasn’t changed one bit since the day he moved in. It is like a time warp. Fantastic. Uncle Jim is easily one of the nicest guys you will ever meet and very affectionate. Side note: affection to an older Italian man equals violence. No matter the difference in our age and size, he would try to fight/wrestle with me. I think I have beat him once. Maybe.
The best story ever of Uncle Jim is when he came down to visit Macaw back in the late 90’s. I was in my final year of college and came down to witness the Uncle Jim show. First thing to know is Uncle Jim travels a certain way. He always has two massive suitcases. One for clothing and one for meats and cheeses. You can almost smell Uncle Jim’s luggage before you see him in the airport. I’m talking 50 pounds of salami, pepperoni, provolone, etc. I can’t even begin to tell you how much the suitcase ferments over a 6 hour flight.
So, we finally get Uncle Jim from the airport to Macaw’s house and he asks me if I am hungry (side note: even if you are not, answer that you are or he will ask every two to three minutes until you say you are). Since this isn’t my first rodeo with Uncle Jim, I say I’m starving (he embraces) and pulls out suitcase o’ meats and cheeses. Olympians with a gold medal aren’t as proud as Uncle Jim is when he brings out said suitcase. He organizes all the food on the counter top in the kitchen and tells me to make a sandwich. I proceed to make a monster sandwich that is easily the size of Andre the Giant’s head in the movie The Princess Bride. Uncle Jim looks at me, my sandwich and shakes his head in disgust. Here is our conversation and the epitome of Uncle Jim…
Me: What’s the matter Uncle Jim?
Uncle Jim (shaking his head and on the verge of a growl): I thought you were hungry.
Me: I am Uncle Jim. Look at the size of my sandwich!
Uncle Jim: Aren’t you smart? Aren’t you a college guy? I thought you were really smart?
Me: Yeah. I am smart and I am in college. What’s the problem? I’m hungry and I made a massive sandwich. Seems like I will be solving my problem soon, Uncle Jim.
Uncle Jim proceeds to grunt, get a knife and cut my sandwich in two and says: Now you have more food.
Me: Um, Uncle Jim, it is the EXACT same amount of food. All you did was cut my sandwich in half.
Uncle Jim (now completely disgusted with me): Good Lord Christopher. I thought you were smart and all college guy. If you are so smart, why don’t you tell me what number is bigger….one or two?
Me: Two.
Uncle Jim: Now, look at your sandwich. How many are there?
Me: Sandwiches? Still one.
Uncle Jim: Christopher!!! Look again. How many?
Me: One cut in half.
Uncle Jim: Which makes?
Me: Two?
Uncle Jim: See! Now you have two sandwiches and two is more than one, so you obviously have more food. Two is better than one Christopher…always remember that!
Me: One cut in half.
Uncle Jim: Which makes?
Me: Two?
Uncle Jim: See! Now you have two sandwiches and two is more than one, so you obviously have more food. Two is better than one Christopher…always remember that!
I stood there, dumbfounded, and tried, again and again, to explain how the food was actually the same. He wouldn’t listen to me and just kept saying “two is better than one, Christopher. Two is better than one.”
Now you have met my two more members of my family, Uncle Joe and Uncle Jim. Bless their hearts:)
(Click HERE to listen to this blog as a podcast)
_________________________________________________________________
Rubio Long Snapping is, by far, the biggest and best resource for Long Snappers in the country. Offering the best instruction and most exposure in the world. Rubio Long Snapping can help you to become the best snapper you can be!
In just 12 years, Chris Rubio, President and Owner of Rubio Long Snapping, has become the #1 Long Snapping instructor in the country and the go-to man when a college coach needs a Long Snapper. Colleges from across the country rely on “Rubio’s” word day in and day out on who the best Long Snappers are in the country. Rubio Long Snapping has assisted in over 300 Long Snappers earning FULL SCHOLARSHIPS to major colleges and universities just for Long Snapping and many into the NFL as well.
73